Commodus - Weirdly Attractive Villains #9

Okay, so my mom got me to watch Gladiator for the first time today and I was like, “Eew. Why Joaquin Phoenix?” 

And by the end I was like, “…my opinion would appear to have changed.”

This is another example of a character who doesn’t do a single goddamn good thing through a lengthy film. Seriously. 

- SPOILERS - 

He kills his father (DUMBLEDORE OMG!!), he appeals to General Russell Crowe for loyalty, but when he denies him, he kills Russell Crowe’s family, he tries to have RC killed, too, but RC escapes and becomes a slave/gladiator. And when Commodus finds out, he shits his pants and decides to try and have Russell killed in a gladiator fight, but he’s just too good a fighter and shit. So he sexually harasses his sister and threatens to have her son killed because she a.) won’t fuck him, and b.) supports the Gladiator Russell Crowe. And then he tries to kill Gladiator Russell Crowe himself, but gets his ass kicked and GRC kills him. 

- END SPOILERS - 

And he throws pissy bitch fits after every battle and it makes me laugh. 

Anyhow, he spends the entire movie acting like a pissworm, bitching and complaining about how his sister won’t returns his gross advances, and how his daddy didn’t love him as much as he loved General Gladiator Russell Crowe, and la-dee-da-dee-da. 

Like he and Joffrey would be pals. 

Anyhow, how in the world could he be weirdly attractive?

I don’t pretend to understand this one, okay? I don’t; I just don’t. 

Nobody looks at this .gif and says, “Yeah, I want me some of that.” 

Basically, Commodus is one of the worst characters that I’ve seen in any film. 

It’s not even that Joaquin Phoenix is good-looking or anything…

I honestly don’t understand. 

Maybe it’s his eyes. He’s got bright eyes surrounded by sunken redness that I’m certain can only be pure evil. 

It can’t be mercy or kindness, that’s for sure. 

Maybe it’s when he’s tender with his sister. Which would be nicer if it wasn’t his sister. 

GROSS. 

I honestly don’t know where I’m going with this. He’s hot. Somehow, he’s hot. I can’t even justify it; there’s no shred of decency, nor a moment of redemption. There are only more moments of utter indecency. I just…

I don’t understand. 

Here’s another .gif.  

Just take it. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Commodus, I guess…

I’ve been trying to figure out why I’d bring you home with me, you shit. 

Jason Isaacs SPECIAL EDITION - Weirdly Attractive Villains #8

Hi-dilly-ho, followerinos. I hope you’re all doing okily dokily today. Your hair looks nice, and you smell divine. You’re making all the right choices in life and you make the world happy. 

Now that your daily boost of complimentary self-esteem is out of the way, it’s time for a SPECIAL JASON ISAACS THREE-IN-ONE EDITION of Weirdly Attractive Villains! 

He’s sassy, he’s nasty, and he plays the villain a lot. So here they are!

#1 Captain Hook from Peter Pan

I know what you’re thinking: Ashley, what the fuck is Peter Pan doing on this list? 

Have you seen Peter Pan? The entire film is centered around an immortal boy child who kidnaps three children from their home in Edwardian London and takes them to Neverland. Therein, is Captain Hook, whose exploits include murdering his own crew, and stalling his ship from its rightful pastime of plundering other ships while he attempts to locate and kill a band of other immortal boy children, headed by the boy who cut off his hand. 

Ergo, Captain Hook’s life’s work will be the brutal slaying of Peter Pan. 

They’re always after me hands an’ arms. 

Why is he weirdly attractive?

Look at him.

He has nicer hair than I do. 

He’s absolutely gorgeous. But, then, Jason Isaacs is an attractive man. He’s rugged and stylish. 

And he ain’t got time for any shit. 

More to the point: Captain Hook was one of my first movie bad-guy crushes. The film came out when I was eleven and almost immediately, I was like, “Oh, my God. He is so cute. I love him.” (I was already familiar with Jason Isaacs by that point, but we’ll get to that in a little bit.)

Obviously some wonderful gif master thought so too. 

So, I was absolutely in love with him. And I’ll show you exactly why. 

This. This is why. 

In one of the more strange parts of the movie, Captain Hook basically seduces Wendy to hurt Peter, (which is essentially a metaphor for her growing into a woman as her attraction for boyish Peter wavers as she begins to succumb the more manly Captain Hook,) and offers to take her on as a storyteller/pirate named Red Handed Jill, to which she readily agrees. 

It’d be hotter if she wasn’t 12…

But, as an eleven-year-old with no friends and a bad haircut, all I could dream of was the dashing Captain coming to whisk me away on his pirate ship. I’d have been all over that. I can’t believe she chose Peter and love and honesty and hope and all of that. 

Wrong. You chose wrong, Wendy. 

#2 Lucius Malfoy from the Harry Potter series

Once again, he has better hair than me. 

I’m a lot of things. A humanitarian, a snappy dresser, and a serious Harry Potter nerd. (No, seriously; you don’t understand. I have a Potter tattoo, I went to all the book and movie releases. I got in line at 8:00 AM the morning before the midnight showing for the Deathly Hallows Pt. 2 dressed as Luna Lovegood - along with Bellatrix and Hermione - with homemade Chocolate Frogs, Cockroach Clusters and Butterbeer. I went to the theme park in Florida and hyperventilated while I gross sobbed.)

Even before Captain Hook [seductive purring] there was the luscious lovely Lucius Malfoy. 

I’m not into bigots, racists or supremacists. I just think he’s sexy. 

Why is he weirdly attractive? 

Do I even need to list reasons?

He does absolutely nothing of merit until the end of the final book when he’s fallen from grace with the Dark Lord and abandons the cause, along with his Narcissa, to find Draco and get the fuck out of there because no bigoted cause is worth that nonsense. Essentially, they drop all the death eater shit and break off ties with Voldemort. (Every other time he’s an asshead who causes problems for everyone and almost kills Ginny with the evil enchanted diary.)

But goddamn does he look fiiiiiine throwing a spell. 

#3 Colonel William Tavington from The Patriot

This is, again, an instance of him playing a character that doesn’t do a single decent thing through nearly three hours of film. 

He shoots Mel Gibson’s son. 

Demonstrates a complete lack of morals.

He drinks. 

He still has nicer hair than me. 

Kills an entire town of innocent civilians by putting them in a church and burning it to the ground.

Kills Mel Gibson’s other son. 

And then Mel Gibson kills him with a bayonet. 

Why is he weirdly attractive? 

He’s - like - a really bad British man, but he’s just really pretty…

Look at how blue his eyes are. 

It’s horrible, I know it’s horrible, but look at him. He’s just really hot. For a mean British man with no ethical integrity…

So, there you have it: three weirdly attractive Jason Isaacs villains. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Hook…

You’re just lonely. Love me. 

Malfoy…

You’re a bigot, but you can change. Love me. 

and Tavington.

You’re just a bad man, Tavington. Love me. 

Anonymous asked:

i love what you said about the joker in the attractive villans post,totally agree, its such a shame heath died, truly great person <3

I really loved his work. You can just see the dedication and love that he put into everything he did. 

The Joker - Weirdly Attractive Villains #7

Hello, once again. Okie dokie, smokey, here’s our next Weirdly Attractive Villain. Heavy emphasis on “weird,” but hear me out!

The Joker from (the epic and amazing) The Dark Knight. 

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I’m sure nobody needs the breakdown of The Dark Knight, so here it is in a super-condensed mode: 

Robbery! Batman. Oh no, mayhem! Oh, shit - the mob. Harvey Dent. BOOM POW BOOM EXPLOSION. Love triangle. heeheehee I’m the Joker. MOAR EXPLOSIONS. I’m the Batman. KAPOW! HAHAHAHA Oh, fuck! EVEN MOAR EXPLOSIONS Morals and ethics? People are good after all. THE DARK KNIGHT. 

Full disclosure, people: I love this movie SO. FUCKING. MUCH. And I know I say that every time, but this is different. Like, you really don’t understand. I saw this in cinema sixteen times. The only reason I stopped paying to see it is because my friend found me a bootleg copy taped in a dingy theater, which I watched at least once a day for I don’t know how long. I bought the novelization of the film to read when I couldn’t watch it. I read everything I could on it to learn about the production. My family was legit concerned about me for a little while. No, really. I just really love it, okay? Don’t judge me.

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For the record: I did eventually move out of the obsessive phase. 

But enough about me and my fragile grip on reality and onto the Joker. Let’s figure out what makes him weirdly attractive, shall we?

Everyone knows that Heath Ledger was a magical creature, okay?  I remember being just soooooo enamored with him when I was a kid. (Patrick Verona, anyone?) He never wanted to be a big star, or a great celebrity. He played chess for fuck’s sake. He was a gifted and amazingly talented man. I mean, he threw himself into his work and the results of his dedication are glorious. His death was a shame - I cried when he died - and it still saddens me a bit from time to time. 

Who didn’t think he was the ultimate man candy?

If it’s you, you’re either lying or you’re wrong. 

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I’m swooning. Oh, Heath…

That’s Heath Ledger under all of that makeup, and I think that this is precisely what had me hooked into this sordid attraction initially. Think about it: IT’S HEATH LEDGER UNDER THE MAKEUP. You remove the makeup, it’s Heath. The Joker is Heath. It’s Heath in there. That’d be enough for me.  I love you, Heath. 

Moving on, the Joker has mad style. Just look at him! His face all painted up, his fly digs. It’s stated in the dialogue that his clothing is custom made. Now, this tells me that he either had enough skill to design his clothing and have them made, or he made them himself. Enticing? I think, yes. His suit’s fucking rad and nobody can tell me otherwise. When you’ve got style, you’ve got style and he’s got style. 

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Yum.

I mean, I’m not crazy about the orange wig, but he pulls off the nurse outfit with too much flair to ignore. 

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Don’t tell me he doesn’t look great in that dress.

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You can see his well-toned arms and everything. I’m dying. 

In the same kind of area, he’s got the clown makeup going on. Now, that’s a big far-reaching, but I thoroughly enjoy a guy painted up all pretty. I’m not saying I’ve got a clown fetish, because I don’t. At all. If I’m perfectly honest, most clowns freak me the fuck out. There’s this clown in the local mall that makes balloon animals for the little children and I’ll go out one door, walk outside of the mall, and come in another door just to avoid this fucker. No, thank you. Go the fuck away, you fucking creepy fucker. But on the Joker, it looks….nicer? I don’t know.

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Don’t ask me to explain this one. He just looks good, okay. (Minus the teeth. Grody.)

And he’s a generally happy guy. He tells jokes and smiles and laughs a ton. Who wouldn’t want to sit next to him on the bus. (Answer: most people.)

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At his core, he just wants you to smile. Right? RIGHT?

I don’t know what attracts us to a bad boy, and….he is one, I guess. The thing about the Joker is that he represents chaos and mayhem and confusion and a total lack of order. He doesn’t care about money, life, death. He smiled just as widely as he fell from the top of a building as he does any other time. 

Small aside: he’s full of good advice. 

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Like he’d help me get ahead in life. 

He’s also smart. And I like smart men. But he’s scary smart. Not like scarily intelligent; I mean like it’s terrifying how smart he is. The devil isn’t stupid, that’s what makes him scary, right? He never looks at his victims, really, but he uses knives because it’s more personal. He doesn’t care about emotions or people, but he’ll push your buttons because you care. He’s incapable of love, but he’s entirely glee. He’s got what it takes to make it to the top, but he’d rather sit on the floor and watch everything burn and billow up in clouds of smoke around him. And he’d laugh through the whole thing. 

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It’s like he’d kiss you hard, and then push you in front of a car. 

This has been a pretty shit job of explaining the Joker, but I think it’s a 50/50 thing with him. You’d either kiss him or shoot him; there’s not really a middle-ground to speak of with this one. I feel like I’m forgetting more reasons why he’s glorious and why I’m not totally insane, but I’m sure I’ll remember them later. 

So, recap: he’s sexy, he’s witty, he’s Heath Ledger. If he decided he liked you enough not to kill you, he’d do anything for you. Literally, anything. 

Ladies and gentlemen, the Joker.

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You can complete me all you like. I am yours.